Fun with Food

Having Al home has required us to be creative with his food. It took some getting used to mutilating all of my husband's food before spooning it into his mouth or, even worse, having him drink it through a straw. He also gets two nutritional supplements per day through his feeding tube (and meds three times a day), so we know he's getting some nutrition even if feeding by mouth isn't successful.

But by the time he came home, he wasn't quite used to solid food, and I didn't want him to choke to death on my watch, especially over a slice of pepperoni pizza.

Recently, we were watching our favorite TV show, and there was a scene where someone died. I couldn't handle the emotional stress, so I just started crying and said to Al, "I don't want you to die!" Then, I promptly inhaled a large piece of French fry. Yes, I literally almost died because of my fragile emotional state and a damn French fry.

That was just a little tangent to let you know that I know how it feels to almost choke on something, and I don't want that to happen to Al. Out of curiosity, what was it that almost killed you? What food or drink went down into a place that it had no business going and almost took your life? Inform me in the comments and let me know that I'm not the only weirdo who almost lost my life over fast food.

Okay, let's come back from that little detour.

Imagine ordering your favorite meal from a restaurant and having it delivered. You open the takeaway box and take one whiff of all the flavors and spices that will soon delight your palate and fill your tummy with comforting goodness.

Now take that whole meal, drop it in the blender with some beef broth (or whatever liquid you happen to choose), and punch the purée button. Then, you get out your favorite spoon and dig in.

Oh, but what about your drink? You can't drink that icy cold Coke right away. First, you have to thicken it so you don't drink it too fast. With a few spoonfuls (or pumps) of thickener, you now enjoy your cola-flavored soft-set jello through a straw.

What I'm trying to communicate here is that it's devastating to take a beautiful burger or his favorite wrap from Applebees and place it into a blender, where it is mutilated into a creamy paste and fed to him with a spoon.

I taste every concoction to ensure it's soft enough, cool enough, and seasoned enough; honestly, it's not that bad.

But still, who wants to eat a Big Mac in a Mug?

Wait, I could pitch this to the McDonald'ds marketing team! Big Mac in a Mug.

It might not be a very big market, but then again, it might surprise them. I mean, do we all just want to believe that when you turn 80, you suddenly enjoy boiled fish and plain potatoes? You can't tell me there are some old people in a nursing home who are really hankering for a quarter-pounder with cheese and not .... well, boiled fish and plain potatoes.

Obviously, Al isn't 80, but he does have a lot in common with some elderly folks out there.

Let's just review some of the foods that we have pureed for him and how it went:

• Noodles of all sorts - these are the best things to puree

• Cheeseburger with ketchup and pickles - surprisingly, not too bad

• Pizza - captures the flavor, but who wants to eat smooth pizza?

• Chinese food - yes

• Breaded chicken - surprisingly tasty

• Chocolate chip cookies - Like a chunky chocolaty pudding

• Twix (it was Halloween) - a giant mess, but he still got a few good bites

• French fries - a disgusting potato paste that a dog wouldn't even eat

• Steak - do not attempt. I repeat, DO NOT ATTEMPT
  

Luckily, we have had some success with soft, bite-sized food. He's managed pizza, burgers, grilled cheese, and pasta. However, we're always taking steps backward and forward. He needs to do regular exercises that help him to remember how to swallow. This usually involves a lemon glycerin stick or something similar to trigger a swallow. The things we do without thinking - like swallowing our saliva - are things that Al has to be reminded to do, and he has to do ongoing exercises to maintain his ability to do so.

He's been coughing a lot lately, which is very frustrating for both of us. If he's coughing while eating, we usually switch to pureed food and liquified food (like smoothies). To be more exact, his doctors have ordered us to stop any food that causes him to cough because he could be aspirating his food. If he still coughs with the liquids, the very last resort is to give him thin liquids through his feeding tube. It's the last resort because A. Who wants to be fed through a tube? I think Al looks forward to meals because it's something he can enjoy. Much of his life is stuck in bed, watching the same TV shows, or enduring our lame attempts to entertain him. It's just sad to take away his favorite parts of the day. And B. Pushing a bowl of soup through the tube takes a long time.

The most common elements of Al's diet are yogurt, pudding, Cream of Wheat, mashed potatoes, pasta, smoothies, and protein shakes. However, Boost is expensive, and from what I understand, Ensure tastes like ass. So I developed my own protein shake with milk, protein powder and Ovaltine. Al loves it so I'm happy with it.

In review, I have some good ideas to market to the food big-wigs and maybe they'll take me up on my suggestions and hopefully reward me with a handsome amount of cash.

What do you think? Will my ideas take off?

Big Mac in a mug

Soup in a syringe

Mountain Dew sludge

Ovaltine protein shakes

We have yet to try his old favorite, hot tea. All I know is that if someone tried to thicken my coffee, I would no longer want to live.